Have A Little Hope

letmeloveyou18 said: Why didn't you stay?! You could've even visited me at work :[

I was going too, but I had a lot to do with the courts today anyways. I’ll come through though, I promise. I’ll text you now.

letmeloveyou18 said: You are a total stud muffinūüíč I miss your face so much and just you in general. Don't you ever forget how much I love you Jasonūüíö

I was just over by Jamaica today. I was gonna stay out there so maybe we could’ve chilled. I miss you too =(

What it will be like?

This is really ¬†happening, I am really soon to be in the process of becoming a whole different person. I am retiring my old self and becoming a new man. Her and I walked into the courts today and got the information. I looked at the courts, where I spent more than half of my childhood and felt a little bit sad on the inside. I look around and remember everything that has happened inside these courts. All of the times I was walking up and down these halls. Dazing out for a moment, she taps me and brings my mind back to reality. ¬†She said she wants to adopt me, even though I am an adult. And there are a million things running through my mind; but one that sticks out the most is becoming part of a family. I have lived with Debbie and her family for over two years now, and I care about each and every one of them so much, but I am still unable to embrace the family life. I am unable to embrace becoming close to them, due to my own things that I have been through. But through every step of the way, she still is welcoming me to be apart of her family. I feel like in ways this will be like becoming a whole new person in a sense. I will hopefully be able to leave my old self behind in the past and be able to embrace something new. Not only something new, but something I have yearned for my entire life. At 23, I feel like all of that yearning and hoping to become part of a family has come true. I still¬†can’t embrace that, as much as I want too. I have lived my entire life with a family so far beyond the word dysfunctional, I¬†don’t even know how to remain sane at times. I felt they were making me go mad, just being surrounded by the constant fighting, drama, and pain that surrounded my family. It is such a shame to say that in my whole entire immediate family there is not a single person who has their life together. There is homelessness, mental illnesses of every kind, low life men making their way in the¬†woman’s lives in my family, drugs, promiscuity, jealousy, anger, and so on. I could go on forever how unstable my life has always been, but I have never been like that and I never will. Instead, I will laugh it off and just say I have a crazy family. No emotion shows when I say that and I will never allow it to show either. Point is, sometimes familiarity is so comfortable that it is hard to even¬†experience something so great. Instead of embracing love, security, stability and a real family, I tend to not be able to let go of the dysfunction. I cling onto¬†toxicity and it destroys my life, so much. I have never¬†understood why people who have good¬†opportunities wind up going back to something bad. It is like my family is an¬†addictive drug and as much as it destroys me, as much as I always wind up worse every time I encounter them, that¬†little bit of a rush keeps me coming back. Change is hard for a lot of people, and for me, in this aspect it is very hard. My life has been non stop changing since the day I have entered this world 23 years ago. I have never felt safe,¬†comfort and security. I have never had that feeling of complete an absolute stability. For the past ¬†a little over two years, I have been more stable then I ever have in my entire life. My life was literally like a repeat of everything I went through as a kid. I swore to myself I would never endure that again and I did. Instead of finding females who were stable, I clung onto the ones who came from rough backgrounds just like me. We winded up facing homelessness, dysfunction, constant fighting, instability, and so on. I have been like a repeated cycle for so long¬†and it is so hard to stop this cycle. I am trying¬†desperately to let go of toxicity and embrace healthy and loving relationships. I am an absolute wreck lately, and it is hard to admit that. Writing always expresses whats true in my heart. My words verbally tend to not express what I truly feel. But lately I have been a walking mess. I have no clue what I am doing half the time, what¬†I’m saying half the time or anything else. ¬†This moment is something that will be with me forever. I will become apart of a healthy, sane, and loving family. All the while I am thinking how much I have longed for this, I am also taken back cuz that means letting go of the old Jason. And cuz I have problems letting go, this is something¬†in ways I never thought would be hard. Who in their right mind would chose toxicity over love? Seriously, who? I know I want different, but times like I have been lately make me seem almost like a lost cause. I feel like what kind of out of control, angry, dysfunctional person are they bringing into their family? I feel apart of me belong with the dysfunction I was born into and raised¬†in all my life. ¬†I think about Debbie and how¬†much I have longed to have a mother. I think about my little boy self and how much I loved my real mom and never understood that she never really loved me in the right way. Dysfunction was what she knew and what she gave to her children. I guess when you have children before you get help, how could I blame her? I loved my mom,¬†beyond what words could ever express. She was my hero, my everything. I was beyond what anyone would consider a “momma’s boy”. I followed my mother everywhere, I did everything for her, I loved her so much that she felt it too. But Debbie, that is the mother I wish I had when I was little. I¬†would’ve been able to embrace what unconditional love really is, what taking care of your children is, protecting them, providing for them, teaching them values, respect, honesty and love, and knowing what a real mother should be. When I was around twelve or thirteen, I started to drift towards others families. My sister and I looked for any family that would love us and take us in. We wanted to become part of a family and just be loved. After all of those tries falling through, I eventually just gave up. I gave up looking for love in families and started with females instead. That has obviously and most¬†definitely failed, even¬†more so. When I came here two years ago, having no where else to go, I felt completely lost. I had never known what comfort,¬†security, love,¬†acceptance and a real home was. Honestly, a house and a home have two different meanings to me. A house is just a place you live, just to provide shelter. A home, that is love,¬†security, protection, care, respect,¬†acceptance, honesty, and so much more. There are times that I am in those modes where I need to go. I need to get as far away as possible, cuz I felt that being here is to much. Hearing laughing instead of fighting, watching I love you’s instead of I¬†hate you’s, seeing concern, freedom, love, peace and respect is to much for me. Over twenty years of my life have¬†been nothing more than one big mess of dysfunction. Healthy¬†environments actually make me¬†uncomfortable. I feel like an animal who was removed from his original habitat, and no matter how nice the new habitat is, he just¬†can’t take to it. I feel like that same animal, constantly trying to find ways to escape his new and better habitat back into the dangers of his old one.¬†Familiarity is a such a crazy thing, cuz what we are used to, is what we cling onto. I am having trouble with this. I am having trouble trying to let go of old Jason and become the new Jason with a new last name cuz I am¬†apart of a new family. Letting it go is something I know I have the capacity of doing, but I feel I am unable to at certain points. I have¬†established a close relationship with Debbie. She has become the mother I have yearned to have my entire life. It is an¬†absolute honor to have someone so incredibly wonderful, be a mother to you. She is everything a mother¬†should be and so much more. She is loving, understanding, a good listener, gives¬†great advice, directs you on the right path, encouraging, humbling,graceful, ¬†honest as it gets, compassionate, accepting,¬†supporting, ¬†and so much more. She has been my biggest cheerleader these past two years living here. Where would I be without her love, her support, and her encouragement? I honestly have no idea. I most likely would’ve been dead. To have someone who no matter what, refuses to¬†give up on you,¬†that is a¬†real mother. I have never felt worthy cuz my mother always chose men over me. I chose my mom every time as a kid, and no matter what, there always had to be a man in her life. Her kids never were able to provide the love she desired. To be validated that I am enough is to hard for me, a lot. I find myself pushing her away to the point I think ” Well, this is it, she is gonna leave” or ” She will¬†definitely get fed up this time”. And every single time, it never shakes her. To experience that kind of love is great, but pushing it away is what I tend to do a lot.¬†Don’t get me wrong, I love this woman, I respect, honor, cherish, adore, value and would die for this woman. There is not a single thing in this entire world I¬†wouldn’t do for her. Despite how¬†incredibly dysfunctional my life has been, she has given me the knowledge and¬†capability of loving someone so deep, that there is not a single combination of any amount of words could describe even a glimpse of how much I truly love her. She can do absolutely nothing for me, and I would still love her. I love her sense of humor, the way she can get me to laugh no matter how far gone I am. Her passion for helping people, no matter what¬†they’ve done or who¬†they’re. Her effort that she puts fourth into things she is passionate about. Her intelligence and wisdom that gets me to see different paths, no matter how stubborn I am. Her faith, and no matter what, it is never shaken. Her humble nature that is able to know her wrongs and acknowledge them. The way she¬†doesn’t care what anyone thinks or says about her. Her confidence in who she is and what she has to offer. Her patience with situations that most people would not be able to have. Her honesty that is blunt to the point that it could not get anymore honest than that. ¬†Everything about her is everything to¬†love. This is the type of woman I want to be my mother. I want to take her families last name and embrace that, but going through the process for real now, makes me hesitant. I feel so bad, cuz deep down, I know I want this. I know that God has given me a blessing and that embracing it is all I need to do. I feel ungrateful at times, cuz I ask myself why am I not able to embrace love? In the end, it comes down to love or toxicity and I ask myself, which one will I chose?

(Source: parrakas, via so-personal)

(Source: hippist, via ohshejuicy)

abbeyisacartoonfreak:

zogwargqueen:

zogwargqueen:

folie-a-deuxme:

zogwargqueen:

im at starbucks right now and some other person with a mac just put this word doc into my air drop???????????????? 

image

Did you say yes

my response:

image

tHEY JUST CALLED OUT A FRAPPUCINO FOR SWAG MONEY (thats the name of my computer on airdrop) IM GONNA CR Y

image

Romance in the 21st Tumblr century

(via ohshejuicy)

(Source: lobekardashians, via stand)

(via permeate)

the-sad-boy:

I need you to know that, you have so much left to do, so much left to see, so much left to experience, so many people to meet, so many memories to remember. You leaving changes everything not in a good way either. Your life decides what happens in thousands of others lives….